There is no one who can understand you. Perhaps some person, one man or another, will come upon you, and even he will need to be shaped and trained to understand you. ‘Then for whom did I learn these teachings?’ You need not be afraid of having wasted your effort if you have learned them for yourself.
And that other man, whoever it was (the author is disputed), made a good point, when he was asked why he observed so carefully an art that would reach only a few. He said: ‘a few are enough for me, one is enough, or even no one is enough.’
In our capitalistic society, your ability to access safety & status is determined by your ability to create value for others: your utility.
You need to make money to have a comfortable life, and in order to make money, you have to provide a service to others.
In theory, the more useful you are to others, the more comfortable your life will be. In practice, it doesn’t play out like that (see: nurses, teachers), but a preoccupation with individual utility is still a defining feature of our culture.
When deciding how to spend our hours, we often frame it in terms of usefulness. “How can I have the greatest possible impact? How can I leave a legacy? How can I do as much good as possible?”
There’s nothing inherently wrong with this altruistic stance. As human beings, we like helping other people.
The problem is when we embrace the negative of the equation. “I want to help others” becomes “I’m only worthy if I’m useful.” “I want to leave an impact” becomes “if I don’t do something big, I’ve wasted my life.”
I saw this dynamic play out on a personal level. My grandfather, once he moved into a nursing home in his 80s, complained often that he was not being “useful”. I can’t help but wonder if his last years would’ve been more peaceful and pleasant if he could have felt comfortable being without doing.
We also tend to forget the utility of joy. If I gave you the option between helping 1000 people, or living a happy life, which would you choose? Would it feel selfish to choose happiness? But what about the benefit to the people around you, if you were truly happy? Would those effects not also ripple outwards, in ways that are both unpredictable and also useful?
Is there no merit in cultivating our own happiness? Perhaps that would be more instructive and helpful to the world than anything else. Perhaps being a joyful presence in the lives of your family and friends is the greatest impact you could have.
The quotes at the start of this essay are from the Roman writer Seneca, in a letter to his friend Lucilius. In the letter, he urges Lucilius to do things for their own sake, to look after his own character without worrying about its effect on others.
Forget utility. Look after your own joy. It is a far more sure and pleasant road to the same destination: having a positive impact on the people you care about.